I have debated about writing this but I also hope that if I
can reach one sweet soul out there who is struggling with life right now, then
I will take it as a win. At a recent gathering with friends, the topic of
marriages got brought up. Now this isn’t necessarily something that always gets
brought up during our get togethers because honestly we have other important
things to talk about: like how many times a day our child has to use the
bathroom, or how much coffee it took us to get through the day…you know the
important stuff.
As the conversation about marriages continued, it was very
apparent that we have all been struggling in our marriages in some shape, way,
or form; my marriage being no different. You see, if we are being blatantly
honest, if you had asked me 3 months ago how my marriage was going I would have
looked you straight in the face, lied, and said we are as happy as we can be.
And then if you had taken my hand and said to be honest with you about the
situation, I would say I was one number away from dialing a lawyer to file for
divorce. And I hated it. I hated the thought of not being married to Kyle
anymore and not raising our children in a loving house, but I also didn’t want
to be in a loveless marriage where all we did was fight.
Life had given us a hell of a battle for the past 3 years
and in all reality, I was ready to throw in the towel. I was exhausted from
trying, exhausted from life, just plain old exhausted. I had run myself so thin
that by the time life hit me 2 months ago, I just didn’t care anymore.
Now, to all those reading this thinking holy cow, I had no
idea you guys were even struggling, we were really good at hiding it. Not
because we didn’t want people to know but because they were our problems that
we needed to figure out together; they weren’t for anyone else to figure out.
In public, we looked like the happiest couple and I cannot tell you how many of
my friends would say we want a marriage like yours. I would always just smile
but in my head I was thinking if you only knew.
3 years ago, I got pregnant with Aiden. It was very
unexpected after going through 3 years of infertility for Randie, and then bam,
getting pregnant with Aiden the month we decided to try. It wasn’t that I
didn’t want it; it was that I was very unprepared for it. Throw in the fact
that the mine where Kyle was working had started to discuss downsizing and so
we were worried that he was going to lose his job. We decided that in May, when
Kyle would be fully vested retirement wise, he would quit his job. He started
taking classes at night to get his real estate license and we worked out a deal
for him to work with his dad doing carpentry. Sounds great on paper; but in
actuality we lost really good insurance when he left the mine. I had to take
out insurance at my job so even though Kyle was bringing home what he was
before he left, my checks were about $500 less per month due to the insurance
premiums. We had a 1.5 year old at home who was growing too fast, we were
trying to get a nursery ready for a new baby, and I was spending every spare
dollar at taco johns because I couldn’t get enough bean burritos to satisfy my
hunger. HA!
Fast forward to when that handsome little hunk was born, and
he was a whopping 7 pounds of screaming baby from the day he was born. I had a
C-Section on Wednesday, we got home on Friday, and Kyle headed back to work on
Monday. As you have read in previous posts, Aiden was not an easy baby. I would
call Kyle and he would come home to a baby who had finally calmed down, tell me
he wasn’t as bad as I thought, and head back out. I was stuck between needing
him and knowing that if he didn’t work, we would probably rack up credit cards
because we needed money too. (And this is the part where I give a huge shout
out to all those people who do not get paid sick/vacation days because it is
definitely something I take advantage of where my job has it and you don’t
realize how important it is until you don’t have it!)
This is where the wedge began and it just continued. I had
tried to talk to Kyle about the issues going on and I felt like he didn’t care.
I felt that everyone else was so much more important to him and that I was not
a priority anymore. I felt that he didn’t try in our marriage nor did he care
what made me happy. He didn’t stand up for me when I needed him to the most. The
wedge had gotten so big that I had completely removed myself from our marriage.
He was not supporting me emotionally. He wasn’t doing the things that he use to
do that made me feel like I was loved and mattered to him. Now on the flip
side, if you truly look at it, I wasn’t doing the things I use to do that him
feel like he mattered or that I loved him so I am in no way trying to say I was
innocent in all of this. It takes two people to make a marriage work and it
takes two people to make a marriage end.
Now…I am not going to sit here and bash him the entire time
either. These are the things that were happening after I truly took a step back
and paid attention to the situation (also a good friend who is helping me with
my depression helped bring these things to light and I am very grateful for
that as well).
One…Kyle was trying to do
what was best for his family as a whole and he knew that we needed money to
survive so he felt like he was doing the best he could. Two…Kyle was just as
tired as I was because he did get up with the baby and he did help out at home.
Three….he has always and will always be an amazing father to our littles and no
matter what I say or do, I will never EVER take that away from him. He gets
down and plays with them, helps with bath time, changed just as many (if not
more) diapers as I did. He has always put our little ones first and I am so
grateful for that!
We started to open up to our close friends and family about
our struggles and it knocked some of them back. It looked like we had never
been happier. I had started to sleep in Aiden’s bed or Kyle would end up on the
couch or chair. You could feel the coldness anytime we were together yet we had
fooled everyone around us. Some of them got really defensive and said that one
of us was being selfish about the situation. Some of them just didn’t really
believe what we were saying and I cannot blame them; we had fooled everyone
which was what we wanted to do because who wants to announce to the world that
their marriage is failing.
And then two months ago, it all came to a head. Every hurt
and heartache that either of us had all came spilling out (and the two bottles
of wine didn’t help that either). Kyle’s sister took the kids and we had a 3
hour talk. We laughed, cried, and for once were completely honest with each
other. Kyle said that he could feel that I had pulled away and I had. I felt
like I had given our marriage my absolute all. I told Kyle that I felt like he
didn’t care about me emotionally since we had Aiden and that he was not truly
listening to my cries of help. He agreed and said he can see that all now. That
night was the first night that we had actually taken the time to sit down and
figure us out. Yes there had been plenty of “let’s work on us” weekend trips
away but we ended up sweeping our problems under a rug for a later date and
enjoyed the adventures. This did nothing but continue to pile up the dirt that
we had created. That night we sat and looked at each other and decided that
this was it…our marriage was either going to turn a corner and improve, or we
were going to do what was best for all of us and file for divorce.
At first Kyle followed me around like a lost puppy dog and
tried to hold my hand and tell me I was beautiful and help me with every single
thing. We then had to have a chat about smothering LOL but, in his defense, he
was trying to make up for 2.5 years of not being there all in one week. I had
already written our marriage off and Kyle hadn’t and the thought of us not
being together really scared him. I slowly started to break the shell I had put
around my heart and allowed him back in. I started to share stories with him
and we would talk until 1:00 in the morning about all the stuff that had happened
that day.
He started to really show me that he wanted this marriage to
work and that he was willing to work at it. I started to be kinder towards him
and really allow him to show me that love. Now…I am not saying that our
marriage is back to being perfect; I am not saying that we never fight; I am
not saying that in 10 years we may not end up not together. What I am saying is
that we persevered and came out stronger than I honestly even thought we would.
It has been about 2 months since our “wine” night as we call
it and there is definitely a new atmosphere in our household. A much happier
one where when he holds my hand I don’t clamp up and when he says “I Love You”
I actually answer back. I know that our hearts and marriage still have more
work to do but I also feel like we are finally on the same page.
I am not writing this to air our issues to everyone or for
you to feel sorry for me. That’s the last thing that I want is anyone pity
(hence why we never talked about this before).
I am writing this to show that not everything
is as it seems. Sometimes people are struggling and you have no idea. Not every
marriage is perfect and even though in group setting it may look like we had
the perfect thing going on, we really didn’t.
I will tell you something though…no matter how many people I
started to open up too or how many times I would talk to them about something;
nothing changed until Kyle and I decided that we needed to have a chat. Our
friends couldn’t fix our marriage; our family couldn’t fix our marriage; only
we could. Kyle and I had to be the ones that wanted it to work.
I will tell you that the one major thing that not only
helped crumble my marriage but also helped build it back up was communication.
Kyle and I had to find the right way to communicate again so that we were both
on the same page and we both felt like we were being heard. We had to find the
way to reach each other on a deeper level.
All of you out there struggling in your own relationships,
be it with friends, family, spouses, co-workers, etc; fight for what is best
for you! You cannot be truly happy until you, yourself, are happy. The hardest
conversations are normally the best ones to have. I dreaded the day Kyle and I
would have to face reality but fast forward and I am so grateful that we did.
The one thing I told Kyle when we were facing divorce was that life was too
short and I didn’t want to be unhappy forever. That was the one thing we both
could agree on; both of us needed to be happy. And we are starting to find that
happiness again. It’s been a lot of work and as they say you normally take one
step forward and two steps back, but now that we have an open line of
communication and the steps don’t knock us down near as far.
**In absolutely no way am I telling anyone to stay in an
abusive relationship, be it verbal, physical, emotional, etc. Abuse is not
acceptable in any form and should not be a reason that anyone stays in a
relationship.
**If any of you are having your own struggles and want
a listening ear to vent to, my door is always open. And I have wine ;)
