Finding me time...in the form of exercise?!

I know most of you have heard me talk about living my YOLO year. I think sometimes we get so wrapped up in our everyday lives that we forget that we only have this one life to live. As a mom, I felt like I had started to lose myself and as much as I love being Kyle’s wife and Randie and Aiden’s mommy, I still needed time to find me.

 

And as most of you know, I use to LOVE sports. I use to be so athletic. And now I would rather curl up on the couch with some sunflower seeds and a good show and just drown the world out. But I needed to get my butt in gear!!

The beginning of the year I was talking about trying to find a workout class with some friends. We all had a similar interest to make sometime to work on us and we found that our local college has some great classes that are offered and all we have to pay is a one time fee of $20.

On top of finding a good way to work out, I needed to get back into shape as I had promised a good friend that I would run a 5K with her in September. Now September may seem like a long ways away, but I knew it would sneak up on me!!

My one friend suggested we try Zumba and I thought why not. Now I had done Zumba before, in my basement where there are absolutely no windows and Kyle and the kids weren’t allowed down there because no one wants to see my coordinated skills.

So Monday night rolled around and off we went. I kept saying I pray we aren’t in a room where there are mirrors because I do not want to have to watch myself and sure enough, room with mirrors. The instructor came in and was so excited to see us. She told us to give it a chance and come back…don’t judge it off the first time.

And let me tell you what…that was the longest hour of my LIFE!! I swear I looked up after what had seemed like 15 songs and we were 12 minutes in. We made it the entire hour and all but crawled to our cars.

And we did what she asked us to do, we showed back up again on Wednesday. We have been doing Zumba for a few months now and it’s getting easier and easier (although you wouldn’t think that when I leave huffing and puffing).

 All while doing Zumba, I have been dragging my feet about the actual running part of my workout. Yes I get a great workout in but I still needed to find time to actually run a mile and see if I could even make it (I mean, I do need to run a little over 3 miles in a few months so better late than never LOL).

Last night after dinner, Kyle loaded up the kids and we headed to the track. I had my phone on my arm and headphones on. I was ready! I was so nervous….I mean it didn’t look that far but let me tell you what, I hit that first turn and I thought I was going to die.

I made it around lap one and the kids were sitting their yelling go mama go. I did a little wave mostly because that’s all I could muster to do. I got into my second lap and the burning of the lungs started. As I rounded the corner I thought I would slow down to a power walk. I picked back up speed and as a rounded the corner coming across the finish line and I about threw in the towel. You know that lovely copper taste you get when you have over worked your body…yep had that. My legs felt like they could give out at any second and my throat stung with every breath.

Rounded the field for lap 3 and I thought at this point I can’t stop. I kept pushing myself even though I didn’t know if I wanted to throw up or cry by this point. I kept taking small breaks and power walking and as I rounded the last corner Kyle and the kids ran to the finish line. I could see them yelling and cheering and all I could think of was please don’t collapse.

I pushed with all I had to get across the finish line and immediately laid down on the grass. The kids of course tackled me and begged me to go run with them. Kyle came over and asked how I thought I did. I said please tell me it was under 15 minutes. He smiled and said guess. I said 12 minutes; he said guess again. So I guessed 14 minutes. He held his phone up and I came in at 10 minutes 58 seconds!! HOLY MOLY!!

I didn’t even know my body was capable of that!! And the rush of pride was such an amazing feeling. I had finally convinced myself that I could do it and I never gave up. I got the job done. Do I have a long ways to go, yes. But I survived my mile and felt pretty darn proud of the results!!

The most important thing from all of this, is that I was starting to put myself first. I was finding time to do things for me and to better myself. It’s so important for me to find the energy so that we can go have fun this summer instead of me telling the kids mommy is too tired. It is true; the more active you are, the more energy you have even though you would think it is the complete opposite.

This was not just a victory because I was able to find time for me, or because I finished a mile; it was a victory because I never gave up. It’s so important to find time for you, especially when you are a mama. I hope you all find time for you!! And if you need some company, join me for Zumba or running!! Would love to have the company!

How I survived donating blood...when the real fear was all in my head!!

A few weeks ago I had my birthday in which I turned 31. As Kyle and I ventured off for our fun weekend I declared that this year would be my YOLO year. I wanted to do things this year that I have always been afraid to do or to try and live life to the fullest. You only have one life to live and I am not getting any younger so I figured why not.

I had a friend that messaged me and asked to donate blood. Now anyone who knows me knows that I am terrified of needles and so the thought of donating blood has always made me sweat a little.

I told him yes (mostly because I couldn’t come up with a good enough excuse) and as the day approached, I could feel myself getting more and more nervous. I set it up over my lunch hour and Kyle told me to make sure that I ate a good breakfast and got a little something before we went in.

Now a little back story, the past two times that Kyle has donated he has passed out so I was already worried that that would be me. I ate a good breakfast, had some apple sauce and cheese around 10:30, and then Kyle made me a half turkey sandwich before ventured to the donation bank.

I was so nervous as we got there and I could feel my hands shaking just filling out the paperwork. They took me, pricked my finger to test my blood, and told me I was good to go. They sat me in a chair and of course I turned my head so I couldn’t see her stick the needle in. I knew for sure as soon as she did, I would pass out.

She gave me a stress ball to squeeze and told me to squeeze it about every 5 seconds. I sat there focusing on anything but what was happening and talked with the nurses. After about 5 minutes she announced that I was done and pulled the needle out. She got it all wrapped up, handed me my free t-shirt, and told me to enjoy the rest of my day.

I giggled when I got in the car with Kyle because I had hyped this entire thing up in my head only to find out that it was super painless, it was so rewarding in the best of ways. I was able to give something that will help someone somewhere and I got cookies and juice.

So to all of you out there who have debated about donating or not, just do it; even if it’s only one time. Try it out and see because it’s so very important to have good blood donors and it is so very selfless and rewarding. Plus…it could all be just something scary in your head.

Join me on more of my YOLO adventures this year as I take on some more fun and interesting things. This is bound to be an amazing year!!  

Weathering the Storms of Marriage...and finding the Rainbow at the end.

I have debated about writing this but I also hope that if I can reach one sweet soul out there who is struggling with life right now, then I will take it as a win. At a recent gathering with friends, the topic of marriages got brought up. Now this isn’t necessarily something that always gets brought up during our get togethers because honestly we have other important things to talk about: like how many times a day our child has to use the bathroom, or how much coffee it took us to get through the day…you know the important stuff.

As the conversation about marriages continued, it was very apparent that we have all been struggling in our marriages in some shape, way, or form; my marriage being no different. You see, if we are being blatantly honest, if you had asked me 3 months ago how my marriage was going I would have looked you straight in the face, lied, and said we are as happy as we can be. And then if you had taken my hand and said to be honest with you about the situation, I would say I was one number away from dialing a lawyer to file for divorce. And I hated it. I hated the thought of not being married to Kyle anymore and not raising our children in a loving house, but I also didn’t want to be in a loveless marriage where all we did was fight.

 

Life had given us a hell of a battle for the past 3 years and in all reality, I was ready to throw in the towel. I was exhausted from trying, exhausted from life, just plain old exhausted. I had run myself so thin that by the time life hit me 2 months ago, I just didn’t care anymore.

 

Now, to all those reading this thinking holy cow, I had no idea you guys were even struggling, we were really good at hiding it. Not because we didn’t want people to know but because they were our problems that we needed to figure out together; they weren’t for anyone else to figure out. In public, we looked like the happiest couple and I cannot tell you how many of my friends would say we want a marriage like yours. I would always just smile but in my head I was thinking if you only knew.

 

3 years ago, I got pregnant with Aiden. It was very unexpected after going through 3 years of infertility for Randie, and then bam, getting pregnant with Aiden the month we decided to try. It wasn’t that I didn’t want it; it was that I was very unprepared for it. Throw in the fact that the mine where Kyle was working had started to discuss downsizing and so we were worried that he was going to lose his job. We decided that in May, when Kyle would be fully vested retirement wise, he would quit his job. He started taking classes at night to get his real estate license and we worked out a deal for him to work with his dad doing carpentry. Sounds great on paper; but in actuality we lost really good insurance when he left the mine. I had to take out insurance at my job so even though Kyle was bringing home what he was before he left, my checks were about $500 less per month due to the insurance premiums. We had a 1.5 year old at home who was growing too fast, we were trying to get a nursery ready for a new baby, and I was spending every spare dollar at taco johns because I couldn’t get enough bean burritos to satisfy my hunger. HA!

 

Fast forward to when that handsome little hunk was born, and he was a whopping 7 pounds of screaming baby from the day he was born. I had a C-Section on Wednesday, we got home on Friday, and Kyle headed back to work on Monday. As you have read in previous posts, Aiden was not an easy baby. I would call Kyle and he would come home to a baby who had finally calmed down, tell me he wasn’t as bad as I thought, and head back out. I was stuck between needing him and knowing that if he didn’t work, we would probably rack up credit cards because we needed money too. (And this is the part where I give a huge shout out to all those people who do not get paid sick/vacation days because it is definitely something I take advantage of where my job has it and you don’t realize how important it is until you don’t have it!)

 

This is where the wedge began and it just continued. I had tried to talk to Kyle about the issues going on and I felt like he didn’t care. I felt that everyone else was so much more important to him and that I was not a priority anymore. I felt that he didn’t try in our marriage nor did he care what made me happy. He didn’t stand up for me when I needed him to the most. The wedge had gotten so big that I had completely removed myself from our marriage. He was not supporting me emotionally. He wasn’t doing the things that he use to do that made me feel like I was loved and mattered to him. Now on the flip side, if you truly look at it, I wasn’t doing the things I use to do that him feel like he mattered or that I loved him so I am in no way trying to say I was innocent in all of this. It takes two people to make a marriage work and it takes two people to make a marriage end.

 

Now…I am not going to sit here and bash him the entire time either. These are the things that were happening after I truly took a step back and paid attention to the situation (also a good friend who is helping me with my depression helped bring these things to light and I am very grateful for that as well).  One…Kyle was trying to do what was best for his family as a whole and he knew that we needed money to survive so he felt like he was doing the best he could. Two…Kyle was just as tired as I was because he did get up with the baby and he did help out at home. Three….he has always and will always be an amazing father to our littles and no matter what I say or do, I will never EVER take that away from him. He gets down and plays with them, helps with bath time, changed just as many (if not more) diapers as I did. He has always put our little ones first and I am so grateful for that!

 

 

We started to open up to our close friends and family about our struggles and it knocked some of them back. It looked like we had never been happier. I had started to sleep in Aiden’s bed or Kyle would end up on the couch or chair. You could feel the coldness anytime we were together yet we had fooled everyone around us. Some of them got really defensive and said that one of us was being selfish about the situation. Some of them just didn’t really believe what we were saying and I cannot blame them; we had fooled everyone which was what we wanted to do because who wants to announce to the world that their marriage is failing.

 

And then two months ago, it all came to a head. Every hurt and heartache that either of us had all came spilling out (and the two bottles of wine didn’t help that either). Kyle’s sister took the kids and we had a 3 hour talk. We laughed, cried, and for once were completely honest with each other. Kyle said that he could feel that I had pulled away and I had. I felt like I had given our marriage my absolute all. I told Kyle that I felt like he didn’t care about me emotionally since we had Aiden and that he was not truly listening to my cries of help. He agreed and said he can see that all now. That night was the first night that we had actually taken the time to sit down and figure us out. Yes there had been plenty of “let’s work on us” weekend trips away but we ended up sweeping our problems under a rug for a later date and enjoyed the adventures. This did nothing but continue to pile up the dirt that we had created. That night we sat and looked at each other and decided that this was it…our marriage was either going to turn a corner and improve, or we were going to do what was best for all of us and file for divorce.

 

At first Kyle followed me around like a lost puppy dog and tried to hold my hand and tell me I was beautiful and help me with every single thing. We then had to have a chat about smothering LOL but, in his defense, he was trying to make up for 2.5 years of not being there all in one week. I had already written our marriage off and Kyle hadn’t and the thought of us not being together really scared him. I slowly started to break the shell I had put around my heart and allowed him back in. I started to share stories with him and we would talk until 1:00 in the morning about all the stuff that had happened that day.

 

He started to really show me that he wanted this marriage to work and that he was willing to work at it. I started to be kinder towards him and really allow him to show me that love. Now…I am not saying that our marriage is back to being perfect; I am not saying that we never fight; I am not saying that in 10 years we may not end up not together. What I am saying is that we persevered and came out stronger than I honestly even thought we would.

 

It has been about 2 months since our “wine” night as we call it and there is definitely a new atmosphere in our household. A much happier one where when he holds my hand I don’t clamp up and when he says “I Love You” I actually answer back. I know that our hearts and marriage still have more work to do but I also feel like we are finally on the same page.

 

I am not writing this to air our issues to everyone or for you to feel sorry for me. That’s the last thing that I want is anyone pity (hence why we never talked about this before).  I am writing this to show that not everything is as it seems. Sometimes people are struggling and you have no idea. Not every marriage is perfect and even though in group setting it may look like we had the perfect thing going on, we really didn’t.

 

I will tell you something though…no matter how many people I started to open up too or how many times I would talk to them about something; nothing changed until Kyle and I decided that we needed to have a chat. Our friends couldn’t fix our marriage; our family couldn’t fix our marriage; only we could. Kyle and I had to be the ones that wanted it to work.

 

I will tell you that the one major thing that not only helped crumble my marriage but also helped build it back up was communication. Kyle and I had to find the right way to communicate again so that we were both on the same page and we both felt like we were being heard. We had to find the way to reach each other on a deeper level.

 

All of you out there struggling in your own relationships, be it with friends, family, spouses, co-workers, etc; fight for what is best for you! You cannot be truly happy until you, yourself, are happy. The hardest conversations are normally the best ones to have. I dreaded the day Kyle and I would have to face reality but fast forward and I am so grateful that we did. The one thing I told Kyle when we were facing divorce was that life was too short and I didn’t want to be unhappy forever. That was the one thing we both could agree on; both of us needed to be happy. And we are starting to find that happiness again. It’s been a lot of work and as they say you normally take one step forward and two steps back, but now that we have an open line of communication and the steps don’t knock us down near as far.

 

**In absolutely no way am I telling anyone to stay in an abusive relationship, be it verbal, physical, emotional, etc. Abuse is not acceptable in any form and should not be a reason that anyone stays in a relationship.

 

**If any of you are having your own struggles and want a listening ear to vent to, my door is always open. And I have wine ;)

Weathering the storms of parenthood....the scariest storms!!

You guys…sometimes I read news articles and it literally takes the air right out of my lungs. I have seen an article floating around about a sweet 18 month old who was taken from daycare by his biological father and is now missing. 18 months old. He is no bigger than my sweet 2 ½ year old whom I gave a little kiss on the head and told him and his big sister goodbye and that I loved them on my way out the door for work this morning. I cannot imagine what that family is going through. I cannot imagine what that poor little one may be going through.

 

I swear anytime I open up any news station there is nothing but abuse stories after abuse stories and childhood abductors. And every time I have to quickly scroll past or I swear my anxiety will shoot right through the roof. See there is no fear greater than the loss of a child and I cannot imagine having one taken from me and not knowing if they are ok or where they are. I cannot begin to imagine the torture that some of these little loves go through and most at the hands of family members. Family members who are angry at each other and want to hurt each other and so they drag an innocent little life into the matter.

 

A few weekends ago, Randie and I went to Rapid with a friend and her little one and on the way up we read an article about an attempted abduction in Spearfish. It made me look at absolutely everyone differently the entire day. I kept an eye on Randie like a hawk and ordered pepper spray because honestly, I would have no issues dropping someone in Walmart for them explain to authorities why they were following us.

I can remember as a child playing outside and riding the bikes up and down our block. I can remember running away from home and sitting at the end of the street. I can remember walking to my friends house a few blocks away and running around town at night playing night games. Our little town only had about 1000 people in it but still…that was 1000 people who could have been predators yet my parents didn’t bat an eye when I headed out the door, jumped on my bike, and told them I was headed to a friends. They were just happy I was getting out of the house. Maybe they worried about the same things that we do as parents now but I don’t feel like the threat was right there. Yes, there were child abductions and killings when I was growing up but you never heard as much about them as we do now. Maybe it’s because I am a grown up now so I am hearing about it and my parents sheltered me from that ugly part of society.

 

It was recently brought to my attention that our little town of Chadron isn’t as innocent as I thought it was and that things happen all the time that no one hears about. And it all boils down to parents not wanting to parents and not taking the time to spend with their children and teach them the ways of the world. It comes down to laws that are not tough on people who prey on children or adults and allow them to walk free with a slap on the wrist. What do some of these people honestly have to lose?

 

So to all of you out there reading this, I thank you for taking the time to not only love on your little ones but to teach them the ways of the world. Thank you for teaching them how to be decent little adults and to succeed in this world. As they say, love can change any situation and I am glad that the people who matter the most to me are surrounded by endless supplies of love be it from family, friends, neighbors, etc. Keep loving the little ones because today’s society is tough and kids cannot just be kids anymore. Show them the good in the world and be the good in the world. There is already too much darkness in this world for this mama so I will continue to stoke that little light in their hearts and show them that they never have to take on this world alone; they will always have a fighter in their corner. And also hug them a little tighter because you never know what tomorrow may bring. I know after reading all the horrible news, I plan to hug mine as soon as I can!

Finding the Silver Lining

I have been very quiet lately and that is because I have been trying to find the right way to write this blog. When I wrote my blog about post partum depression it was very hard and yet easy all at the same time. I showed how vulnerable I truly was and that alone is a very hard thing to do for anyone. The amount of support that poured in absolutely blew me away and I hope that I was able to reach any and all of you who have ever felt alone and know that just because I wrote about it doesn’t mean that I still don’t struggle with it everyday.

 

Along with all the support, came the negative side as well. And while I will dig into that during this blog I want to start at the beginning. The past few years I have become a person that I did not like and I have started to work on myself. As a good friend once told me, I have to make myself happy before my world can be happy. As a psychology major I have told this to countless friends but saying and doing are two different things. It literally knocked the wind right out of me.

 

I have started to slowly make changes to find the happy person that I once was but trust me, it has not always been easy. I have had many hurdles that I have had jump. I have had negative people who I let get into my head that I have had to overcome. I once was told by a close friend that she didn’t like me because everyone likes me. I laughed at the time because it felt like a compliment in a round about way but when I sat down, it hit me harder than I thought.

 

A similar reaction after posting was that if I needed help I should just ask for it. This one also cut me deep. Deep to the fact that even if they saw me drowning, unless I asked for help, they would walk on by. In case anyone is curious, I did ask for help. I asked the one person that I needed the most…my husband. No I didn’t reach out because I didn’t feel comfortable at the time. Yes, most of my family had no idea my struggles were real but at the same time, some did and did nothing about it.

 

One thing that I have learned after 30 years is that I cannot make everyone happy. As they say, you are not everyone’s cup of tea. I have let everyone’s ideas of how I should act mold me into a person that I am not proud of. Listening to everyone analyze your life is hard and trust me, I am just as guilty of that with others. However, I try not to point anything out unless I feel someone is in dangers way.

 

Today, today, I made a promise to myself. I promise that from now on I will only surround myself with those who truly care about my well being. Those who want to be a part of my life, not the ones who just want to keep me around for when they need me. I promise to not take life so seriously and to find the silver lining in everything. I promise to laugh more and cry less (unless I am crying from laughing so hard LOL). I promise to be a better person not just for me but for my little ones. And for anyone who is trying to steal my sunshine for the day, may they get the rain storm while I get the rainbow!

Battling the Seas of Post-Partum Depression

Depression is such an ugly thing. It can show it’s ugly face while you are out eating with your kids or when you are just sitting at home alone. It has no discriminations who it hits and it hits us all differently. When my father died in 2011 I got severely depressed. I drank and cried and drank some more and cried. Kyle and I had just gotten married and that first year was the rockiest year. Lots of things were said in anger and sadness. Kyle slowly helped pull me out of that hole that I had dug myself into and we got back on track.

We dealt with infertility issues, a miscarriage, and we finally got pregnant with Randie. She arrived 5 weeks early and had all sorts of complications. We were in the hospital for 3 weeks with her and finally brought her home on oxygen. We enjoyed our time with the nurses and staff and Randie was the most relaxed baby ever. She almost never wanted to be held, slept through the night at 7 weeks old, and only cried when she was hungry. We were all happy and loving life.

Flash forward 2 years later when we have Aiden. My pregnancy with Aiden was a tough one. I was more sick with him than I was with Randie. Kyle and I were stressed to the max because the mine was doing more lay offs. Nothing like being 3 months pregnant with your second baby and you are scared to death you husband is going to call and say he no longer has a job. I could feel the stress of this pregnancy so much more than I had with Randie and we always thought it was just because we were chasing a 1 year old around at home. When I was 5 months along, we decided it was best that Kyle quit his job (before being fired eventually). He planned to work for his dad and go into real estate. I had to take insurance out which dropped my paychecks drastically as well as pay cut for Kyle who was working full time during the day and studying full time at night. Life in general was exhausting and then throw in a pregnancy where I was exhausted all day. At 34 weeks we found out that Aiden was breach. We were faced with another large decision as to whether try and flip him or to just have a c-section. We opted for the C-Section. Recovery was truly a lot easier with the exceptions of a few things.

This is when things started to go south for me. We went in on a Wednesday to have Aiden and by Friday we were released. We had all of our nursing friends while in the hospital and they all helped us out tremendously with him for the first few days. Then we had to go home by ourselves. Now we had an almost 2 year old (Randie didn't turn 2 until the end of October) and a newborn and an exhausted, hurting mama. I couldn't sleep in my own bed because it felt like all my insides were falling out and Aiden wouldn't sleep more than 2 hours at a time. He always liked to be held and coddled and mostly enjoyed when I would pace in the kitchen. If I tried to put him down he would just scream. Kyle did get up and try to help and luckily we were feeding him formula so I didn't have to worry about nursing.

To say I was exhausted was the understatement of the century. I was trying to potty train our very stubborn 2 year old who had no interest, I was trying to keep the house put together, all while trying to entertain a 2 week old because he wouldn't let me put him down. I could barely go to the bathroom without him screaming (you know you are a mom when you have had to use the bathroom while holding a baby because there is just no other way!).

Kyle would get home from work and I would immediately head out the door to go walk around Wal-Mart for hours. I couldn't escape it. I can vividly remember going through the McDonalds line one day just bawling and telling myself that maybe he is just colicky and that things will get better as he gets older. We tried changing his formula (thought he was getting too much gas), we tried new swaddle blankets, we tried music on in his room and music off in his room, we tried lights on and lights off, we tried gas medicine, and we even took him to the chiropractor (which that did help and I would highly recommend to anyone to take their babies to the chiropractor just for that initial adjustment).

I would Kyle call by 10:00 a.m. at least every other morning in tears begging him to come home because I just couldn't handle it anymore. Some mornings he would come home and others he wouldn't. I think this is where the depression really started kicking in. My husband stopped supporting me (in my mind) and would only come home if I was in need as he was trying to make money to support us. I had family members who pretty much called me a liar to my face when I would talk about how difficult Aiden was and informed me that Randie had just been too easy and so it was time I got a "normal" baby (mind you that this person's tune changed drastically when they were left home with Aiden for a day and literally about lost their mind....this was after he was 2 months old and I had been asking for help and being told welcome to having a normal baby).

Did I reach out to the people who probably could have helped me...not all of them. Do I still struggle with it today...yes. Aiden turned 2 in October and his screams can still send me into a fit (when they talk about post partum depression involving PTSD I didn't believe it...but if this kid screams for a car ride more than 20 minutes, we have to pull over because I need out of the car). Is he getting better...a little. He still sleeps in our bed most nights and he hardly ever sleeps clear through the night. He still has fits of rage where he will scream for no apparent reason. This past week I have had to resort to walking him in the kitchen and pacing back and forth while he cuddles with a hooded towel of all things. I think most of his issues are fear of abandonment because some nights he just wants to hold my hand.

I still deal with the depression almost on a daily basis although my closest friend will tell me I am pretty good at "hiding" it because most of them have no clue. Has this put strain on my marriage and family life...absolutely. To me Kyle avoided me when I needed him the most not only physically but mentally and emotionally and it has been some huge hurdles to jump over and continue to jump over daily. There are times that I feel like the whole world is out to get me and that no one (including all of our family members) really care about me or my feelings. I make comments all the time about being the invisible person. Their lives are always so much worse off and they don't have time to sit down and truly figure out the severity of my problems.

The most important thing that I have found is to talk about with other moms who are feeling the same way I am/was. I think it's so important to find those people you can truly talk to about your issues and they give no judgment. I have had moms who literally did not have any feelings towards their child when they were first born (obviously they do now but it took a little bit) and I have had friends with mild cases where they say every now and then they cry but for the most part they are good. Doesn't matter the severity of your depression; post partum depression is depression no matter what shape or form it arrives in.

To all of you out there that may or may not be experiencing it, please know that I am always here to listen and talk to. I promise your secrets are safe with me because I think it is so important to find those that you can rely on. I have always told my mommy friends that if they need a break, message me. I know that 5 out of 6 of them won't because I, myself, was one of those that refused to ask for help. Plenty of my close mom friends offered to take my little ones (and some still do offer) but I always say it's ok I can handle it. I am slowly learning that to say it is not ok and I cannot handle it right now does not make a failure of a parent...it's actually showing how good of a parent I am because I know that I need to step out of the situation to be the best I can be.

I hope that if any of you have experienced these things, that all of you are in a good place in your hearts. If you are not, I hope that you know that you are not alone and that you have more people rooting for you then you think. I, myself, still struggle now and then even though it is getting better. I have started talking to some close friends about it and that has seemed to help a lot.

Friends...post partum is a real thing and please know that when those around you do not believe you or support you, that I will. It is not something to be taken lightly and I hope that you all find the resources that you need to help you all! I know this isn't something that will fix itself over night but I will be there to hold anybody's hand while they are dealing with horrible emotions of this depression.

A resolution I can stick too...

I am not a big fan of resolutions. Yep…I have been one that has made those crazy resolutions in my past…go to they gym every day, work hard to get good grades…sure they all sound good new years eve when you are drinking wine and have no worries in the world. Two weeks later I can barely even remember why I thought I would accomplish those things.

2018 led me down a different path. I wanted to make a resolution that I could absolutely stick with. My resolution in 2018 was to do me and not let other people muddle in my relationships with others as well as my life.

It has taken 30 solid years to get to this place in life and looking back I can see why I had the friends that I did. I have always been closer with men than women and I think it’s because there is not a lot of drama to men. They can be mad at each other, punch each other, and move on all in about 20 minutes. Women tend to work a bit differently.

In high school I had 4 girls that I was close to but only one that I shared my deepest secrets with. I still call her when I am having any issues in life because I know she will be honest and trustworthy with me. I have had very close friends in the past who were women and they ended like all the relationships do…over something that probably had nothing to do with anything but we got into a little spat and BAM, no more friendship.

My resolution for the year came from a point where I spent all my time trying to balance my time to make things fair with everyone I knew and not hurt anyone’s feelings. As I have stated in previous blog posts, such is life and feelings will get hurt once in a while. My feelings get hurt once in a while and I normally tell Kyle about it, he listens to me complain for a bit, gives me a hug and tells me it’s all going to be alright and that the friends probably didn’t mean to hurt my feelings. After the dust settles, I can see, that in fact, that was the case. They either felt like I wouldn’t enjoy it or already had plans with others.

I don’t ever want to hurt anyone’s feeling but at the same time I can’t help everyone else without getting my own self ran over. Now…on this same note…my house is always open for absolutely anyone and everyone who may or may not need a helping hand. I will be a shoulder to cry on and I will listen to you all that you want. I will not get in the middle of two people fighting or choose sides when there is a disagreement. I will not call out another friend because someone doesn’t feel they are being fair. Will I sit there and listen and allow you to get all your frustrations out; ABSOLUTELY! But I will not step into the middle of a fight unless I feel so compelled to do so and I truly hope that you wouldn’t do that either!

My family enjoys doing a variety of things from hiking, fishing, camping, to lazy afternoons watching beauty and the beast for the 100^th time. We enjoy doing things with different groups of people and we have a wide variety of a circle of friends who all hold unique aspects to us. I wish that it worked to hang out with all friends at all times but that is life and doesn’t work that way.

So for 2018…I am going to focus on my family and I am going to allow them to experience as many fun things as we can. Sometimes it may include others and sometimes it may not. It doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be a part of all of your lives or want you to be a part of ours…it just is what it is.

I hope that you all have found resolutions that you can stick to and accomplish. All I ask from all of you is to not put our friendship in the danger zone but asking me to choose sides or to choose friends. As the old saying goes, there is enough love to go around and that there truly is. I will love and support all of you as you all hold a special piece of my heart. I hope me and my family hold a special place in the hearts of all of you as well. Don’t forget…you will always have a friend in me but I will not choose one out of hundreds of you to specifically spend all my time with! Life is too short and graduated from high school a long time ago; now is time to find those deeply connected friendships where everyone understands life and knows that even if I don’t hang out every single time, I still enjoy our time together and want to find a time to hang out.