Battling the Seas of Post-Partum Depression

Depression is such an ugly thing. It can show it’s ugly face while you are out eating with your kids or when you are just sitting at home alone. It has no discriminations who it hits and it hits us all differently. When my father died in 2011 I got severely depressed. I drank and cried and drank some more and cried. Kyle and I had just gotten married and that first year was the rockiest year. Lots of things were said in anger and sadness. Kyle slowly helped pull me out of that hole that I had dug myself into and we got back on track.

We dealt with infertility issues, a miscarriage, and we finally got pregnant with Randie. She arrived 5 weeks early and had all sorts of complications. We were in the hospital for 3 weeks with her and finally brought her home on oxygen. We enjoyed our time with the nurses and staff and Randie was the most relaxed baby ever. She almost never wanted to be held, slept through the night at 7 weeks old, and only cried when she was hungry. We were all happy and loving life.

Flash forward 2 years later when we have Aiden. My pregnancy with Aiden was a tough one. I was more sick with him than I was with Randie. Kyle and I were stressed to the max because the mine was doing more lay offs. Nothing like being 3 months pregnant with your second baby and you are scared to death you husband is going to call and say he no longer has a job. I could feel the stress of this pregnancy so much more than I had with Randie and we always thought it was just because we were chasing a 1 year old around at home. When I was 5 months along, we decided it was best that Kyle quit his job (before being fired eventually). He planned to work for his dad and go into real estate. I had to take insurance out which dropped my paychecks drastically as well as pay cut for Kyle who was working full time during the day and studying full time at night. Life in general was exhausting and then throw in a pregnancy where I was exhausted all day. At 34 weeks we found out that Aiden was breach. We were faced with another large decision as to whether try and flip him or to just have a c-section. We opted for the C-Section. Recovery was truly a lot easier with the exceptions of a few things.

This is when things started to go south for me. We went in on a Wednesday to have Aiden and by Friday we were released. We had all of our nursing friends while in the hospital and they all helped us out tremendously with him for the first few days. Then we had to go home by ourselves. Now we had an almost 2 year old (Randie didn't turn 2 until the end of October) and a newborn and an exhausted, hurting mama. I couldn't sleep in my own bed because it felt like all my insides were falling out and Aiden wouldn't sleep more than 2 hours at a time. He always liked to be held and coddled and mostly enjoyed when I would pace in the kitchen. If I tried to put him down he would just scream. Kyle did get up and try to help and luckily we were feeding him formula so I didn't have to worry about nursing.

To say I was exhausted was the understatement of the century. I was trying to potty train our very stubborn 2 year old who had no interest, I was trying to keep the house put together, all while trying to entertain a 2 week old because he wouldn't let me put him down. I could barely go to the bathroom without him screaming (you know you are a mom when you have had to use the bathroom while holding a baby because there is just no other way!).

Kyle would get home from work and I would immediately head out the door to go walk around Wal-Mart for hours. I couldn't escape it. I can vividly remember going through the McDonalds line one day just bawling and telling myself that maybe he is just colicky and that things will get better as he gets older. We tried changing his formula (thought he was getting too much gas), we tried new swaddle blankets, we tried music on in his room and music off in his room, we tried lights on and lights off, we tried gas medicine, and we even took him to the chiropractor (which that did help and I would highly recommend to anyone to take their babies to the chiropractor just for that initial adjustment).

I would Kyle call by 10:00 a.m. at least every other morning in tears begging him to come home because I just couldn't handle it anymore. Some mornings he would come home and others he wouldn't. I think this is where the depression really started kicking in. My husband stopped supporting me (in my mind) and would only come home if I was in need as he was trying to make money to support us. I had family members who pretty much called me a liar to my face when I would talk about how difficult Aiden was and informed me that Randie had just been too easy and so it was time I got a "normal" baby (mind you that this person's tune changed drastically when they were left home with Aiden for a day and literally about lost their mind....this was after he was 2 months old and I had been asking for help and being told welcome to having a normal baby).

Did I reach out to the people who probably could have helped me...not all of them. Do I still struggle with it today...yes. Aiden turned 2 in October and his screams can still send me into a fit (when they talk about post partum depression involving PTSD I didn't believe it...but if this kid screams for a car ride more than 20 minutes, we have to pull over because I need out of the car). Is he getting better...a little. He still sleeps in our bed most nights and he hardly ever sleeps clear through the night. He still has fits of rage where he will scream for no apparent reason. This past week I have had to resort to walking him in the kitchen and pacing back and forth while he cuddles with a hooded towel of all things. I think most of his issues are fear of abandonment because some nights he just wants to hold my hand.

I still deal with the depression almost on a daily basis although my closest friend will tell me I am pretty good at "hiding" it because most of them have no clue. Has this put strain on my marriage and family life...absolutely. To me Kyle avoided me when I needed him the most not only physically but mentally and emotionally and it has been some huge hurdles to jump over and continue to jump over daily. There are times that I feel like the whole world is out to get me and that no one (including all of our family members) really care about me or my feelings. I make comments all the time about being the invisible person. Their lives are always so much worse off and they don't have time to sit down and truly figure out the severity of my problems.

The most important thing that I have found is to talk about with other moms who are feeling the same way I am/was. I think it's so important to find those people you can truly talk to about your issues and they give no judgment. I have had moms who literally did not have any feelings towards their child when they were first born (obviously they do now but it took a little bit) and I have had friends with mild cases where they say every now and then they cry but for the most part they are good. Doesn't matter the severity of your depression; post partum depression is depression no matter what shape or form it arrives in.

To all of you out there that may or may not be experiencing it, please know that I am always here to listen and talk to. I promise your secrets are safe with me because I think it is so important to find those that you can rely on. I have always told my mommy friends that if they need a break, message me. I know that 5 out of 6 of them won't because I, myself, was one of those that refused to ask for help. Plenty of my close mom friends offered to take my little ones (and some still do offer) but I always say it's ok I can handle it. I am slowly learning that to say it is not ok and I cannot handle it right now does not make a failure of a parent...it's actually showing how good of a parent I am because I know that I need to step out of the situation to be the best I can be.

I hope that if any of you have experienced these things, that all of you are in a good place in your hearts. If you are not, I hope that you know that you are not alone and that you have more people rooting for you then you think. I, myself, still struggle now and then even though it is getting better. I have started talking to some close friends about it and that has seemed to help a lot.

Friends...post partum is a real thing and please know that when those around you do not believe you or support you, that I will. It is not something to be taken lightly and I hope that you all find the resources that you need to help you all! I know this isn't something that will fix itself over night but I will be there to hold anybody's hand while they are dealing with horrible emotions of this depression.

A resolution I can stick too...

I am not a big fan of resolutions. Yep…I have been one that has made those crazy resolutions in my past…go to they gym every day, work hard to get good grades…sure they all sound good new years eve when you are drinking wine and have no worries in the world. Two weeks later I can barely even remember why I thought I would accomplish those things.

2018 led me down a different path. I wanted to make a resolution that I could absolutely stick with. My resolution in 2018 was to do me and not let other people muddle in my relationships with others as well as my life.

It has taken 30 solid years to get to this place in life and looking back I can see why I had the friends that I did. I have always been closer with men than women and I think it’s because there is not a lot of drama to men. They can be mad at each other, punch each other, and move on all in about 20 minutes. Women tend to work a bit differently.

In high school I had 4 girls that I was close to but only one that I shared my deepest secrets with. I still call her when I am having any issues in life because I know she will be honest and trustworthy with me. I have had very close friends in the past who were women and they ended like all the relationships do…over something that probably had nothing to do with anything but we got into a little spat and BAM, no more friendship.

My resolution for the year came from a point where I spent all my time trying to balance my time to make things fair with everyone I knew and not hurt anyone’s feelings. As I have stated in previous blog posts, such is life and feelings will get hurt once in a while. My feelings get hurt once in a while and I normally tell Kyle about it, he listens to me complain for a bit, gives me a hug and tells me it’s all going to be alright and that the friends probably didn’t mean to hurt my feelings. After the dust settles, I can see, that in fact, that was the case. They either felt like I wouldn’t enjoy it or already had plans with others.

I don’t ever want to hurt anyone’s feeling but at the same time I can’t help everyone else without getting my own self ran over. Now…on this same note…my house is always open for absolutely anyone and everyone who may or may not need a helping hand. I will be a shoulder to cry on and I will listen to you all that you want. I will not get in the middle of two people fighting or choose sides when there is a disagreement. I will not call out another friend because someone doesn’t feel they are being fair. Will I sit there and listen and allow you to get all your frustrations out; ABSOLUTELY! But I will not step into the middle of a fight unless I feel so compelled to do so and I truly hope that you wouldn’t do that either!

My family enjoys doing a variety of things from hiking, fishing, camping, to lazy afternoons watching beauty and the beast for the 100^th time. We enjoy doing things with different groups of people and we have a wide variety of a circle of friends who all hold unique aspects to us. I wish that it worked to hang out with all friends at all times but that is life and doesn’t work that way.

So for 2018…I am going to focus on my family and I am going to allow them to experience as many fun things as we can. Sometimes it may include others and sometimes it may not. It doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be a part of all of your lives or want you to be a part of ours…it just is what it is.

I hope that you all have found resolutions that you can stick to and accomplish. All I ask from all of you is to not put our friendship in the danger zone but asking me to choose sides or to choose friends. As the old saying goes, there is enough love to go around and that there truly is. I will love and support all of you as you all hold a special piece of my heart. I hope me and my family hold a special place in the hearts of all of you as well. Don’t forget…you will always have a friend in me but I will not choose one out of hundreds of you to specifically spend all my time with! Life is too short and graduated from high school a long time ago; now is time to find those deeply connected friendships where everyone understands life and knows that even if I don’t hang out every single time, I still enjoy our time together and want to find a time to hang out.