Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places

These past few weeks the stresses of this wonderful time of the year have gotten to me. The gift buying, the traveling, the trying to be here for everyone and do everything had me running circles. Of course this caused me stress and who do we take it out on…the ones we love. Kyle and I have been having little “spats” as they call it at least every 4 days and I know that we both said things that we are not proud of. I felt like he hadn’t stepped up or helped me out around the house. I felt like I was doing absolutely everything and he was doing nothing.

Now let’s take a quick pause here and all take a deep look into our lives. I know that all of us (husbands, wives, mothers, fathers, etc) have all felt this way a time or two. That we are the only one that do anything and never gets any thanks. We put away all the laundry, do all the dishes and cooking, pickup when we can, and get no thanks for it. I know that I have felt this way many times before and I would bet to say that so has Kyle. It’s hard not to look around the house and think about all of the things I do or all the times I have to pick up after Kyle when he doesn’t. It’s so easy to get sucked into that “I do everything all the time” thought process. Stress seems to do it to me.

And then BAM!! I get sick…and not just a little cold with a sniffle here and there but a full on sick. ParaInfluenza according to the doctor. And guess what…guess what that selfish man that I mentioned above does…he steps up!! He steps up and helps out. And then reality slaps me right in the face…that selfish man that I thought was putting all of life’s pressures on me and making me run around do everything, was actually doing the opposite. He was silently helping me complete small task. He was doing laundry when he could and he always tried to help when I cooked. He normally does the dishes and that man can clean a toilet better than anyone I know (thank goodness because I hate cleaning toilets). I had spent so much time focusing on all of the stuff that he wasn’t doing instead of focusing on the things that he was doing.

On Christmas Eve Eve 😉 we were spending time with his family to celebrate Christmas. I hadn’t felt good all day but we headed over. I was exhausted and just wanted to go home and cuddle up on the couch. Kyle got down, helped the kids, changed diapers, packed all the bags up and at 10 when I gave him the look like I could possibly be dying, he loaded the kids up and got us home. Told me to go straight to bed while he stayed awake, got things unpacked and put away.

On Christmas Eve, he doted on me all day as I didn’t move from the chair. He loaded the kids up and took them down to my family Christmas by himself. Had them video chat with me so that I could watch them open gifts, and then brought them home that night and put them to bed.

On Christmas morning when the kids woke up he made them breakfast and had them wait to open Santa gifts until I woke up and then helped them get everything ready for them to head down to celebrate.

Can I tell you all something…I changed my first diaper today (Wednesday) since last Friday! Say What?!  Tuesday after going to the doctor and life had semi calmed back down after the holiday high, Kyle came up and asked me how I was doing. And of course I turned into a blubbering mess apologizing for everything and thanking him for everything.

I know this won’t be the last time that I feel that I am the only one doing everything nor will it be the last time Kyle feels like he is doing everything. That is just the circle of marriage. What I will try and do next time is to truly sit down and take a good hard look at what all he does. I encourage all of you to do that with your significant others. From one selfish person to the next, I hope you know that if you have ever had these feelings that you are not alone. For me and my family, I am going to try and start paying attention to all the little things instead off only focusing on the big!!

**Kyle has no idea I am writing about this and doesn’t like to take credit when credit is due. I do have one of the most selfless husbands around and sometimes it’s so easy to get caught up that I forget to tell him how truly wonderful he is!! I am definitely blessed!

Tis the Season of Giving...

Last night while eating Chinese I opened up my fortune cookie (after the kids went to be of course so I didn’t have to share LOL) and it was one that struck me right in the old ticker. It said “One person cannot help everyone; but everyone can help someone”.

 

It was the best fortune I have ever received and such a great timing for the season. This past month I have been able to give to so many thru book drives and donations to the local food bank. This past week I have had two people come up to me and thank me for my giving heart. I thanked them and continued but what I should have told them was to thank my parents. Honestly…I wouldn’t be the giving, caring person I am today if it wasn’t for them teaching me to be that way. You see my dad volunteered on our local fire department and so we did a lot of volunteer projects with them as well as with our church. If there was anything we could volunteer to help with, my parents did it and they took us kids with them. We helped build a garage for our local church, we helped stain cabinets for our local school, we made countless meals for the fireman as well as helped at all their fundraising events.

 

We never felt obligated to do these things, we just did them. My parents wanted to make sure that we knew how blessed we were and that there were some who were less fortunate than us. If someone needed help shingling, we went. If someone needed help getting firewood, we went. These things have been built into me from the day I was born. And for that, I will be forever grateful!!

 

I am so blessed that I am able to give almost 3 giant boxes of books to two little boys who have lost both parents over the course of 3 years. I am so blessed that I get to donate 106 cans of food to our local food bank for those that are in need. I am so blessed that I was able to help organize a fundraiser to raise around $1500 to help a very deserving family go on a family vacation that is once in a lifetime. But the thing that I am most thankful for…is that I have the support from all of my friends and family who help me be able to achieve all of these wonderful ways of giving.

 

This holiday season I reach out to all of you to make a difference, be it big or be it small. We all know someone who could use a pick me up or a family who could use something. Buy that person a hot drink (less than $5) and deliver it with a smile. It may mean the world to them! Buy that family a new board game for them to play or a movie for them to enjoy. Spoil those around you by showing them how amazing it is to give. This morning I told my daughter that I had 3 big boxes of books coming for some very special boys who lost both their parents. Being 4 she doesn’t understand all of it but she looked up to me with her big eyes and said “mama they can have some of my books too because they have nothing and I have a lot”. Not only did my entire heart pour out with pride but I also knew that we are getting something right during this parenting gig!

 

I hope that you all find someone this season to shower with some love and to keep the holiday spirit going. I know I have been down on times where people have given to me and for that I love to pay it forward! Teach our youth of today what it’s like to give and not always receive as they will be grown one day and we will need it as much then as we do now!

Taking that plunge and finding self worth!

What’s the scariest thing you have ever done?! Maybe it’s getting your wisdom teeth pulled…maybe it’s leaving your kids with the grandparents for the weekend…maybe it was choosing to leave home and find yourself after high school. I have done a lot of scary things in my life but when I think about the moment that I truly put myself out there on the edge of the cliff and decided to jump…was the day I chose to do a boudoir photo shoot.

Gasp…I know…me...the little old Nebraska girl who barely drank in high school for fear of getting in trouble and was always the one that would over think every situation because I just knew we would get caught and my life would be over. And can I tell you what…it was the best decision I ever made.

Now, let me tell you this first, boudoir photos seems like such a risqué  thing to do and one that would make all the ladies at church whisper about when I walked in. But, I am here to tell you that it was the best decision I ever made in my life; the scariest yet the best. They weren’t “porno” photos or really dirty photos; they were photos who helped show a hurting woman how perfect she truly was.

Here is a little back story. After having Aiden my body decided to betray me and went down a wacky road. I got extremely depressed and honestly couldn’t stop gaining weight. In fact, by the time he was 6 months, I was back up to the weight I was when I went in to have him. No matter how much I worked out, how little I ate, and how much I tried, my body just wouldn’t cooperate. Throw a screaming baby and juggling a toddler on top of that and my stress and self esteem plummeted. Fast forward to the summer of 2016. I got invited to a Facebook group ran by a gal Kyle went to high school with. She took boudoir photos and lived in Colorado. I joined and didn’t think much of it. She ran a contest for a free photo shoot and sure enough I won. I never win anything and I just kind of played it off as I didn’t think I would ever go do it. My body looked awful in my mind and I couldn’t find the courage to strip my clothes in front of my husband, little lone in front of a stranger.

Kyle told me I should reach out to her and we found a date that worked. Fine…I booked a session. I knew I could find an excuse as it got closer if I truly decided not to go through with it. She told me to go on Pinterest and start a board with photos that I found so she could get a feel for what I liked. As I started looking there were some very beautiful boudoir photos that were just flattering and I started to feel myself ease a bit. I got online, found the outfits that I wanted, and had them ordered and delivered. As the weekend approached Kyle and I packed up, dropped the kids off, and headed for Colorado. I barely slept that night and as nervous as I was at breakfast, we found Mackenzie’s house and we pulled into the drive. There was absolutely no backing up now…I had to go in! We hit the door and my nerves went through the roof. She told Kyle where the nearest sporting goods store was and he was off.

Can I tell you all something…I was a mother of two who had huge body issues and here was this good looking lady who was going to take my photos and make me look gorgeous. I got even more nervous…and then something happened. We went off to do my hair and makeup and find my first outfit and when I walked out in boy shorts and a Husker shirt, she looked at me and said YES! This will be great.

It took almost 4 hours from start to finish to take photos/do hair/makeup and if you think that these photos are just some model laying on a bed, you have another coming. It was hard work and I slept the entire way home from being exhausted! The best part….IT WAS THE MOST INVIGORATING THING I HAVE EVER DONE!! It was so freeing and as a woman who felt like her body had failed her, for once, I could finally see how perfect it honestly was.

It has been a little over a year since I took that plunge off that cliff and I was able to meet up with Mackenzie for breakfast this morning and if I can say one thing…we need more women like her on this Earth. She loves to empower women and to show them their self worth. She loves to help build their confidence and show them that they truly are special. Instead of joining the crowds in tearing each other down, she is one that helps build others up.

She is a person who will always be near and dear to my heart because she helped me overcome issues I had been battling for over a year. I ask this of all of you…the next time you hear a woman (or a man) say that they are doing a boudoir photo shoot don’t sluff it off. Don’t act like you just heard they were starring in a porno or running around in skimpy clothing. That is not what boudoir is at all. It’s about finding those outfits that help your body shine and show every good aspect you have. It’s about a photographer who helps bring all those positive quality to light so that the person can truly see how perfect they are.

These photos helped me realize just how beautiful I am! I have them hanging up in my bedroom for everyone to see because if I can tell you one thing, those photos show that I am a woman and that no matter what I have been through or how I see myself when I look in the mirror, I am just as beautiful on the outside as I am on the inside.

I hope one day all of you will get to experience something that touches you so deeply that it changes you; it changes your perspective. I hope that you all get the chance to see just how beautiful you truly are because no matter what life has thrown at you, you are stunning! And if you want to work with the most amazing photographer, let me know so I can get you in touch! It is worth every dime!

**PS I know that this article doesn't even begin to give boudoir the justice that it deserves. Just sharing my experience with it and hope that you all will choose to experience for yourselves. You won't regret it!! 

It's the most wonderful time of the year...or is it?!

Have you ever had one of those days that you just feel off…like the whole day is part of a weird dream or that no matter what someone says or does, it just feels off. That was me today. There was not one thing in particular that made today feel that way, but a multitude of issue that have come up throughout the week. Maybe it happens to most people this time of year with Christmas looming around the corner.

When I was little I remember this being the most magical time of year, and of course a lot of time off from school. I remember hoping that I would get the latest toy and that maybe my grandma’s wouldn’t buy me an ugly sweater (don’t worry, I always got those). Fast forwards 25 years and here I am already exhausted from the holidays that haven’t even hit yet. Christmas isn’t about celebrating a time with our family and friends or even remembering the reason for the season. It’s about trying to divide your time to make everyone help. It’s about bending to make everyone else happy because it’s just easier not to put up a fight. This time of year is filled with trying to find the perfect gifts to make everyone happy and to be honest, it is hard to even find something that anyone would want less than $25. And don’t get me wrong….my household is just as bad. We live in an “if they need it, just get it” era and that leaves little room for our children to “want” for any thing truly. These are no longer the days of getting socks, underwear, that ugly sweater I was telling you about, as well as ONE toy. ONE toy that we enjoyed the entire time and were so thankful to have. Now are the days of children asking why didn’t’ get something just because they “asked” for it.

This year I made a vow to myself and I have semi stuck to it. Our kids just had their birthdays and got plenty of gifts for them. This year, my kids are getting pajamas, new movies, and a new blanket/stuffed animal. A few puzzles in their stocking and they are done. I have vowed to make this holiday season a bit different and spreading cheer and happiness without “spoiling” my children. Mostly because I don’t want them to grow up being so thankless. Not saying that all kids tend to do this but kids these days “expect” to get the biggest and the best instead of being grateful for what they have. Unfortunately, some adults seem to be this way as well. I want my children to be just as grateful as I was when I grew up knowing that yes Santa was going to bring me a great gift but I was also going to get some sweet new clothes as well. That Christmas was a time to get together with family, exchange horribly made Christmas ornaments because we put our hearts and souls into it. Now it’s much easier just to get on Amazon and ship something.

After a day of putting way too many pressures on myself to keep up with Joneses, I sat down and watched as my kids played with the same two baby dolls that they have been for the last 6 months. This year I will be thankful that I have a wonderful husband who may have drug me out at 4:30 yesterday morning to watch deer stay at least 50 yards further than we were able to shoot but then allowed me to sleep in this morning while he fed the kids. I will be thankful that I have two healthy kids who most days make me want to pull my hair out but who I wouldn’t trade for the world. We were once the couple who would have given our life savings to have a baby (and we damn near did) and I will be thankful for them every single day! I will be thankful that we have a nice house, good quality vehicles, and good things that make our house a home. Things that we have worked so very hard for and I wouldn’t want it any other way. This year I vow to show my children the real reason of the season and even though they may not get the latest or the greatest toy, they will get some quality family time and that in the end is all that matters. To all of you wonderful people, don’t put too much pressures on yourself this holiday season and I hope you take the time to enjoy every second! It does go by too fast.